The Great and Random Ramblings of Cannwin

I keep getting asked about remarrying and even whether I've started to date again. I find this all slightly insulting and more than a little humorous. It sort of feels like asking someone whether they are going to have anymore children as they lay there cradling their dead infants body. It's not actually remotely in my spectrum of thought. The idea repulses me quite thoroughly. Will there be a time when I do choose to date again? I have no clue, but it wont be tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. It would be more like when I'm 90. On that note... whoever the gem of town gossip it was that told Ralexwin that I was out on the town with some guy. Um... sorry, wrong person... maybe next time check first before you set a match under that kindling. Now, as for this blog. I truly do not want this to become a venting spot for all things angry. I want this to be, as it always has been, a window into my life and the daily struggles and joys that make me cannw

Yesterday is a day I am so very glad is behind me. My friends all say I was fantastic because I didn't shed one tear. What most of them don't know is that I cried all the way home, curled into a ball on my bed when I got there and cried for hours afterward. Crying gives me such a headache. I really need to stop doing that.

Today I have to go to court. Why I have to go to court is a bit of a long story but essentially it involves an argument with Ralexwin, a slap and the police. I have never been in trouble with the police in my life. I have never even had a speeding ticket.... not even a warning. I am so nervous that I actually threw up this morning. I'm wondering how it is that my life took such a drastic shift in such a little bit of time. Blogging is supposed to help me feel connected again with those who love and support me. Help me feel less alone. Last night I felt about as alone as was humanly possible. I wonder how long it will be before I don't feel so hollow inside anymore. Maybe I'll go throw up again.

I'm still alive and very much missing you all. A friend of mine told me I needed to start blogging again because she knew it would help me to cope with everything that has been going on. Problem is I still have to be careful what I say. So, here's the thing. The big bombshell. The 'family issue'. Ralexwin and I are getting a divorce. It's been rough. It's been horrible. We are both in a lot of pain. My grades at school are as bad off as my finances. The amount of friendships I've retained is down to a dismal 8 ish. I have very few who will talk to me from 2 months ago and all my nearby friends are freshly made. I am alone in a vast sea of humanity, but I am so much better than last month. I am learning to embrace this and not run from it. So that's the basics. Take it as you will. If you've known about it and not contacted me in the last month, don't bother. That's my only bitter request. Love you all Cannwin