November 9, 2015

Mutterings of a Middle-Aged Dreamer

Use your words, my dear sweet soul, they are inside of you... So find them. Write, you silly girl, write so hard the world will never forget you.

But does it matter if the world remembers you? 

Age begins to press its hands upon your chest and the need to be remembered seems to increase with the pressure. 


That's not a line of thought you're interested in pursuing. 

Live in the now.

Does it matter if the world remembers you if your neighbor is going hungry? 

Perhaps age is merely pushing you out the door. 

Go. Live in the now. 

November 5, 2015

Introspective Musings of a Working Girl

Let me rage.
Let me rage in infinite defiance of that everlasting night.
Let me rage with such zeal that my soul is consumed in the blinding, glorious light of 
    another day,
    another promise,
    another hope.

#dylan thomas

January 10, 2014

I Am A Phoenix

This is a drawing I did right after my divorce, when I was trying to discover my life's course and who I was as a person. Divorce is this horrendously nasty thing that leaves a person with little to nothing of who they were before (at least that's how it was for me). My family was gone, at one point I had counted up blood/legal relatives that had stopped talking to me and it was nearly 60. Things were bad, but one of the recurring comments I heard from other divorcee's was 'Get bitter, or get better.' So I aimed for better. I came up with my own personal code of conduct (Quiet Dignity) and my own personal motto.

The motto the drawing is based off of is: 

"I am a Phoenix. I was born for the fire and I will rise from the ashes."

But, that's not all. Each aspect of the drawing has meaning. I researched these... so I hope I got them right. lol

I chose to make my image reminiscent of a mandala with the most significant parts at the very center. The shape is also reminiscent of the sun. 

Mandala's are said to ward off sorrow, hunger and other negativities, while the sun represents knowledge and immortality.

There is also several circles within my drawing, A circle suggests wholeness and completeness.

At the center of my 'mandala' there is a bird sitting inside a lotus flower. This is me--the Phoenix-- a bird known for it's quality of rebirth, quiet dignity, compassion, and healing properties. My phoenix is intentionally shaped like a subtle paisley, which is the symbol for fertility and is significant to me because I have four children. The Lotus flower represents the rising from filth into purity and the true self.

Another aspect at play here... is that Agni, is the Hindu god of fire and also the messenger from us to the gods.

The entire thing encompasses who I have become. As I experienced my divorce, and the subsequent prejudices against single mothers, I realized that the tiny person inside of me was finally getting the chance to shout and I liked her. I liked her a lot.

I had been taught all my life to keep my opinions to myself. Obey my father, obey my husband... satisfy their needs and I would be a happy woman. When that little person in me shouted, I realized who I was had been smothered and I was never going to allow that to happen again, not to myself, not to my daughters, and not to any other woman I had the opportunity to influence.

All of this... is encompassed in this drawing. A tiny little drawing on a worn out piece of paper.

Last month I splurged and went down to a vinyl shop in the mall and had them blow my drawing up to 3 ft x 3 ft. Now I can put it on my wall for everyone to see and so I can always be reminded that I am a Phoenix.

I may not be back to blogging forever, I'm extremely busy, but I'm starting to slowly heal inside and I thought you would all like to know.

December 12, 2012

Getting Back on My Feet

It is finals week for me, and I am extremely excited to be done with it. I overdid myself this semester and took 14 credits. That's five classes.

This may not sound like much (just two over the average) but for a single-mom with four children and a job this was insanity. Especially since two of those classes were English classes and I was forced to write WAY more than I had time for (I had three essays due this week totaling nearly 20 pages of writing and another 3-4 of pure citations).

Also, I moved.

I moved in with a friend and her partner.

They are the best and gave my children and I a place to stay until I have my feet back under me. The rent is half what I was paying. It's a tight fit for all of us but it's so much better than where the kids and I were at that I couldn't be more grateful.

Next semester I am going to be dropping down to part-time and focusing on working more hours so I can actually afford to live.

I'm also considering going into a technical program... but I have only toyed with that idea, nothing solid.

It's extremely hard being the sole financial supporter of four very fantastic little people. I am happy, that's for sure. Happier than I've been in a very long time, but I am tired.

Always, always, always daydreaming about naps.

I am growing and learning and loving though and I can't complain.

Life moves on and I am satisfied with being where I am.

I will attempt to write more on here now that I will have more time to do so.

As for right now, I have a math final to go take.

Wish me luck!

October 19, 2012

A Thorough Scolding

I have been informed that I don't post enough blogs and am missed by the populace at large.

Lol sorry.

I will give you the low-down on my life.

Yesterday I finished a three page single-spaced paper regarding te softcore discrimination that single mothers face. It's the beginnings of my final paper in the class--which has to be ten pages (hopefully double-spaced).

I took a Spanish test yesterday as well as a math test. I did well on the math not so sure about Spanish.

I also went to a lecture given by a woman named Helen Whitney (??) who is a big deal documentarian and has won Emmies and the like for her work. She also met the Pope (among others).

When I was done with the lecture my friend picked me up and we enjoyed a 'girls nights.' we watched a movie called Zombiland. It was ok but not really my style of movie.

Today the kidlets are up north enjoying their fall break and heading to the local amusement park for their birthdays which are this weekend (Irish Twins). They will be 11 and 10!!!

I can't believe my babies are so old.

On another note... I can always tell when my kids have been messing around with my iPod.... Cuz afterward my camera roll looks like this:

October 8, 2012

That's My Kids

We are at Gap and there's these moccasins for sale. The boys go over to check them out and the Mischievite says "My friend has a pair of these!" 

Albowin snatches them from his brother's hand and says..... "Are those real ones like really made from Indians!?"


On the way to school we see this hot air balloon. The kids are all loving it, then:

Vicbowin says: "I've never been on a hot air balloon."

Albowin: "Me neither."

Mischievite: "Neither have I."

Remewin: "I have! In Afwica."


October 3, 2012

Checking In

I think learning another language is going to be the death of me. I had all these high hopes for getting A's from now on in college and now all I can think is.... B's are good too.

But I can say 'no me gusta pongo salsa en mi comida' which possibly translates into I do not like sauce in my food.

Oh dear....

September 18, 2012

Jobs and Cars

Well... I bought a new car. Well, new to me. It cost me a months rent that I'm not sure how I'm going to recover from, but at least I can take the kids to school. SuperFreak found it on craiglist for me and nearly died from excitement. It's a 1997 Chrysler Concorde with only 81,500 and it's all mine now.

I also got a job. This is the real excitement in my life because it's a job as a writing tutor at the college. It pays minimum wage and I only get a few hours a week (which really is all I can do) but oh my I love it! I don't think I've ever truly loved a job before but I feel like I can excel at this.

Life is good. It's hard and it's crazy but it's good...

Now... if I could only figure out how to pay that rent. :/

September 6, 2012

Bad Karma

I seriously don't know what I did to piss off the god of karma but this year has been the worst ever for me.

Yesterday at 3:15 pm I was driving through an intersection when a red car magically appeared right in front of me. I T-boned the poor lady and totaled my stupid car.

All the witnesses say I ran a red light but I would swear on a stack of bibles it was green. They also told the police officer that I was texting, which I was not and can prove!

Albowin got to ride in an ambulance to the ER where they inspected his eye for glass. None was there. No one was seriously hurt, although today my wrist hurts so bad I can't even squeeze the cap of a soda bottle.

I have no car. I have no money to buy a car and I now have a ticket for running a red light.

I would very very very much like to move back to South Dakota where my life was simple.

I would also like this year to freakin' end already!!!!

August 31, 2012

24 Hour Cannwin

My days are so crazy right now that sometimes I wonder how on Earth I'm actually keeping up with it all. I get up at 7AM and go, go, go until at least 10PM.

But just telling you that isn't going to give you a real idea of what I do. So I'll lay it out for you.

My alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed rubbing my eyes and shuffling to the kids rooms. I don't get the opportunity to hit the snooze button because if I'm not up and moving within 5 minutes of that alarm we are all late.

We HAVE to be out of the house by now if we are going to have any breathing room for our schedules. Which really means if we aren't all yelling at each other all the way to the Irish Twins school then we need to be in the car by now.

When we typically leave the house.

When the Irish Twins usually make it to school and barrel out of the car.

When their school starts.

Drop the Mischievite and Remewin off at their babysitters house.

My first class.

My free hour in which I get to do awesome things like apply for food stamps or look for jobs.

Second class.

Class gets out at 11:50. I have ten minutes in which to sprint over to my friends class before it starts and say a quick hello before then starting the long walk up to the Mischievite's babysitter's house.
I pick him up and we both walk over to his school.
This leaves me just enough time to come huffing and puffing (and sweating profusely) into:

Third Class

Class gets out and I sprint to my car (have I mentioned the elevators are ridiculously slow here on campus?), go pick up Remewin from the babysitter and then drive over to the Irish Twins school and sit in traffic until I am close enough to the building for them to hop in the car.

Kids hop in the car... usually yelling.

Pick up the Mischievite from his school.

Take Vicbowin to Gymnastics... sometimes run to the grocery store.

Try to convince Albowin to do his homework.

Pick up Vicbowin from Gymnastics.

Put the little ones to bed and beg the older two to work JUST A LITTLE BIT FASTER on their homework.
SuperFreak usually stops by around this time of day (which makes it the best part of my day).

Irish Twins finally buckle down, finish their homework and go to bed leaving me with enough quiet time to do my own homework while SuperFreak sits next to me and chats.

Finish Homework, say goodnight to SuperFreak, crash into my bed.

Scoot over so Remewin can crawl into bed with me.

Scoot the other way so the Mischievite can crawl into bed with me.

Wake up and shuffle to the kids room. I have to be out of bed by 7:05 or we are all late.


In my Spanish class the other day the man sitting behind me complained to his neighbor:
"I didn't get the homework done. I've just been so busy lately, there really isn't any time for me to breathe."

The woman who sits next to me, and myself, both rolled our eyes.

She has 5 kids, I have my 4. We are both single mom's.

Both of us got our homework done.

PS. SuperFreak doesn't have children... he thinks that what I do is this close
 to superhuman. I think he's a keeper.

August 27, 2012

Appendices, Derbies, and Other Such I-E-S's

This last weekend I went to my first ever Demolition Derby... you know, those red-neck American things where people have an excuse to hit each other's cars.

I wish I had more pictures than this but I used SuperFreak's camera and not my own.

Who is SuperFreak?! You may be wondering....
This is:

SuperFreak is obviously not his real name... but it fits. lol.

Anyway, SuperFreak was driving in the Demolition Derby with the above car. This would be a before image, it's not so pretty in the after image.

I had a lot of fun though! Now I want to drive a Demolition Derby Car.
You know there was only one girl in the whole thing (okay maybe there were 2)! That's unacceptable.

Women need to stand up for themselves and do cool things like crash cars together. I mean if we are as "bad" at driving as everyone keeps complaining we should be pretty kick-a** at a Crash-Up Derby. Right!?

Well... that's what I think at least.

Anyway, the other interesting thing that happened this last week is that my sister had an emergency appendectomy. (Do you suppose that's meant to be capitalized?)

When my brother texted me to tell me she was in getting her appendix our I laughed loudly.... an actual LOL.

So, naturally I called him. Evidently they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her and had to do a CTscan to determine that it was her appendix.

My sister quoted our mom as saying, "You two... always doing the same things."
Neither her nor I is sure how we feel about that statement, there's a list of similarities that are not exactly positive.

As for the rest of my reality. I started school... again.

Last week was my first week and boy-howdy was I exhausted. My schedule leaves very little breathing room and if I'm not at school in class I'm typically running around taking kids to school or doing errands.

And my back-pack weighs a bajillion pounds.
This girl, from one of my classes last spring, told me she bought all of her books on Kindle (or Nook or something) and I about died of jealousy. How much lighter would my bag be!!!!
I knew I should have bought an iPad instead of a laptop.

I'm so doing that next semester.... if I can afford it.

August 14, 2012

Internet--The Most Expensive Need In the World!

Summer has been fantastic. I spent my weekends wandering around Southern Utah with friends and trying my hardest to avoid the scorching summer sun.

Sadly, I didn't have the internet on all my excursions.

Or at home either.

Stupid internet.

So, on Monday I'm headed back to school, I'm excited...
I'm taking Spanish, Intermediate English Composition, and Math.

Oh and Library Science (which I fully plan to test out of in the first week of classes--someone lecture me if I don't please).

Anyway. I'm hoping to be able to blog more often from school and my laptop because I will have more access to the internet than I currently do. 

I seem to always be apologizing for non-blogging lately.

I'll stop doing that.



And I met someone.

He makes me smile.

July 27, 2012

Friday Photo

Movie magic!

This is us playing with the webcam embedded in my new laptop.

Once the kids figured out it could do fun things like this it took me a bit to stop them from using elbows, knees, teeth, etc. to get in front of each other.

No, they weren't that bad.... no one actually used teeth.