January 13, 2014

bell hooks and me

“I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to someone else's ignorance.” -bell hooks

I got remarried. 
My family wasn't there.
My family hasn't met her.

My children adore her.
My friends adore her.
I love her.

I am happy.
I yell less.
I work harder.
I smile longer.
I breathe easier.

Some call it wrong. 
Some call it immoral.
Some call it gross.
I call it happiness.


I don't care what some say.

January 10, 2014

I Am A Phoenix


This is a drawing I did right after my divorce, when I was trying to discover my life's course and who I was as a person. Divorce is this horrendously nasty thing that leaves a person with little to nothing of who they were before (at least that's how it was for me). My family was gone, at one point I had counted up blood/legal relatives that had stopped talking to me and it was nearly 60. Things were bad, but one of the recurring comments I heard from other divorcee's was 'Get bitter, or get better.' So I aimed for better. I came up with my own personal code of conduct (Quiet Dignity) and my own personal motto.

The motto the drawing is based off of is: 

"I am a Phoenix. I was born for the fire and I will rise from the ashes."

But, that's not all. Each aspect of the drawing has meaning. I researched these... so I hope I got them right. lol

I chose to make my image reminiscent of a mandala with the most significant parts at the very center. The shape is also reminiscent of the sun. 

Mandala's are said to ward off sorrow, hunger and other negativities, while the sun represents knowledge and immortality.

There is also several circles within my drawing, A circle suggests wholeness and completeness.

At the center of my 'mandala' there is a bird sitting inside a lotus flower. This is me--the Phoenix-- a bird known for it's quality of rebirth, quiet dignity, compassion, and healing properties. My phoenix is intentionally shaped like a subtle paisley, which is the symbol for fertility and is significant to me because I have four children. The Lotus flower represents the rising from filth into purity and the true self.

Another aspect at play here... is that Agni, is the Hindu god of fire and also the messenger from us to the gods.

The entire thing encompasses who I have become. As I experienced my divorce, and the subsequent prejudices against single mothers, I realized that the tiny person inside of me was finally getting the chance to shout and I liked her. I liked her a lot.

I had been taught all my life to keep my opinions to myself. Obey my father, obey my husband... satisfy their needs and I would be a happy woman. When that little person in me shouted, I realized who I was had been smothered and I was never going to allow that to happen again, not to myself, not to my daughters, and not to any other woman I had the opportunity to influence.

All of this... is encompassed in this drawing. A tiny little drawing on a worn out piece of paper.

Last month I splurged and went down to a vinyl shop in the mall and had them blow my drawing up to 3 ft x 3 ft. Now I can put it on my wall for everyone to see and so I can always be reminded that I am a Phoenix.

I may not be back to blogging forever, I'm extremely busy, but I'm starting to slowly heal inside and I thought you would all like to know.


December 20, 2012

We've Moved


Cannwin, her children, loved ones, trusted friends, and blogging circle have moved to a private blog.

If you feel you genuinely qualified as one of these and just happened to miss the memo, Cannwin would love to have you email her at

cannwin (at) ymail (dot) com

and request an invitation.
She would be happy to extend her love to all.

It was a fantastic ride here at The Great and Random Ramblings and she will miss it terribly.

Have a wonderful life.

xoxox

December 13, 2012

Privacy

One of the things I have been dealing with a lot lately is an incredible amount of opinion sharing regarding how I should behave.

Since there is absolutely nothing in my life that is illegal, dangerous, or detrimental to my children this sort of behavior has become a great nuisance to my existence.

It is also a great point of stress for me.


It is not uncommon for me to receive comments about my stability (since I have moved three times this year I unstable) , my choices (evidently dating is rash), and my general ability to function on an adult level.

This has created an issue where I want to blog but am hesitant to say how I feel for fear of the repercussions to myself both emotionally and custodially. 

I live in fear that my every move will be twisted in a fashion that will enable my children to be taken from me.

It's exhausting.


So.... with that in mind I have decided to go private. I want to keep my followers, but I want to do that in a manner that doesn't let unwanted eyes watching every move I make.

(Even saying that I want to go private makes me brace for the inevitable "What are you trying to hide?" comments. I assure whoever is spying on me today that I am not going private to hide any perceived illegalities but to keep you at bay!!!)

Paranoid much?

Yes. That's me.

I never thought I would be the sort of person who hung out in the quiet recesses of the world wide web but that is where I am going.

Will you join me?

It will mean you have to send me your email address so that I can add you to my readership. It means that you will have to log in to view my email. It means you will have to work to keep up with me.

But I would love very much if you stayed around.

You can send your requests to me at:
cannwin (at) ymail (dot) com


I will give it a few days before I actually go private.

Thank you for your love and support and patience with me during this incredibly difficult time of my life.

Always,

Cannwin

December 12, 2012

Getting Back on My Feet

It is finals week for me, and I am extremely excited to be done with it. I overdid myself this semester and took 14 credits. That's five classes.

This may not sound like much (just two over the average) but for a single-mom with four children and a job this was insanity. Especially since two of those classes were English classes and I was forced to write WAY more than I had time for (I had three essays due this week totaling nearly 20 pages of writing and another 3-4 of pure citations).

Also, I moved.

Yep.
I moved in with a friend and her partner.

They are the best and gave my children and I a place to stay until I have my feet back under me. The rent is half what I was paying. It's a tight fit for all of us but it's so much better than where the kids and I were at that I couldn't be more grateful.

Next semester I am going to be dropping down to part-time and focusing on working more hours so I can actually afford to live.

I'm also considering going into a technical program... but I have only toyed with that idea, nothing solid.

It's extremely hard being the sole financial supporter of four very fantastic little people. I am happy, that's for sure. Happier than I've been in a very long time, but I am tired.

Always, always, always daydreaming about naps.

I am growing and learning and loving though and I can't complain.

Life moves on and I am satisfied with being where I am.

I will attempt to write more on here now that I will have more time to do so.

As for right now, I have a math final to go take.

Wish me luck!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

We are women of a God who delights in his daughters feeling beautiful and adored. Whatever that is to you personally, don't let it go undone. It is in you safe and warm and no one can take that away from you...no one. --Nie Nie