January 10, 2014

I Am A Phoenix


This is a drawing I did right after my divorce, when I was trying to discover my life's course and who I was as a person. Divorce is this horrendously nasty thing that leaves a person with little to nothing of who they were before (at least that's how it was for me). My family was gone, at one point I had counted up blood/legal relatives that had stopped talking to me and it was nearly 60. Things were bad, but one of the recurring comments I heard from other divorcee's was 'Get bitter, or get better.' So I aimed for better. I came up with my own personal code of conduct (Quiet Dignity) and my own personal motto.

The motto the drawing is based off of is: 

"I am a Phoenix. I was born for the fire and I will rise from the ashes."

But, that's not all. Each aspect of the drawing has meaning. I researched these... so I hope I got them right. lol

I chose to make my image reminiscent of a mandala with the most significant parts at the very center. The shape is also reminiscent of the sun. 

Mandala's are said to ward off sorrow, hunger and other negativities, while the sun represents knowledge and immortality.

There is also several circles within my drawing, A circle suggests wholeness and completeness.

At the center of my 'mandala' there is a bird sitting inside a lotus flower. This is me--the Phoenix-- a bird known for it's quality of rebirth, quiet dignity, compassion, and healing properties. My phoenix is intentionally shaped like a subtle paisley, which is the symbol for fertility and is significant to me because I have four children. The Lotus flower represents the rising from filth into purity and the true self.

Another aspect at play here... is that Agni, is the Hindu god of fire and also the messenger from us to the gods.

The entire thing encompasses who I have become. As I experienced my divorce, and the subsequent prejudices against single mothers, I realized that the tiny person inside of me was finally getting the chance to shout and I liked her. I liked her a lot.

I had been taught all my life to keep my opinions to myself. Obey my father, obey my husband... satisfy their needs and I would be a happy woman. When that little person in me shouted, I realized who I was had been smothered and I was never going to allow that to happen again, not to myself, not to my daughters, and not to any other woman I had the opportunity to influence.

All of this... is encompassed in this drawing. A tiny little drawing on a worn out piece of paper.

Last month I splurged and went down to a vinyl shop in the mall and had them blow my drawing up to 3 ft x 3 ft. Now I can put it on my wall for everyone to see and so I can always be reminded that I am a Phoenix.

I may not be back to blogging forever, I'm extremely busy, but I'm starting to slowly heal inside and I thought you would all like to know.


2 comments:

Tracie said...

What a beautiful drawing with so much meaning. I have been wondering how you have been and am very sorry I missed that you had made your blog private. I would love a invite tftolman@yahoo.com I am glad that you are doing well and starting to heal!

C & T said...

I don't ever post over there. lol. It just isn't fun to blog without the public aspect of it.

I will try to blog here more. :)

Thanks for missing me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

We are women of a God who delights in his daughters feeling beautiful and adored. Whatever that is to you personally, don't let it go undone. It is in you safe and warm and no one can take that away from you...no one. --Nie Nie