The Great and Random Ramblings of Cannwin

This is a drawing I did right after my divorce, when I was trying to discover my life's course and who I was as a person. Divorce is this horrendously nasty thing that leaves a person with little to nothing of who they were before (at least that's how it was for me). My family was gone, at one point I had counted up blood/legal relatives that had stopped talking to me and it was nearly 60. Things were bad, but one of the recurring comments I heard from other divorcee's was 'Get bitter, or get better.' So I aimed for better. I came up with my own personal code of conduct (Quiet Dignity) and my own personal motto. The motto the drawing is based off of is:  "I am a Phoenix. I was born for the fire and I will rise from the ashes." But, that's not all. Each aspect of the drawing has meaning. I researched these... so I hope I got them right. lol I chose to make my image reminiscent of a mandala with the most significant parts at the very c...

It is finals week for me, and I am extremely excited to be done with it. I overdid myself this semester and took 14 credits. That's five classes. This may not sound like much (just two over the average) but for a single-mom with four children and a job this was insanity. Especially since two of those classes were English classes and I was forced to write WAY more than I had time for (I had three essays due this week totaling nearly 20 pages of writing and another 3-4 of pure citations). Also, I moved. Yep. I moved in with a friend and her partner. They are the best and gave my children and I a place to stay until I have my feet back under me. The rent is half what I was paying. It's a tight fit for all of us but it's so much better than where the kids and I were at that I couldn't be more grateful. Next semester I am going to be dropping down to part-time and focusing on working more hours so I can actually afford to live. I'm also consi...

My days are so crazy right now that sometimes I wonder how on Earth I'm actually keeping up with it all. I get up at 7AM and go, go, go until at least 10PM. But just telling you that isn't going to give you a real idea of what I do. So I'll lay it out for you. ** 7AM My alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed rubbing my eyes and shuffling to the kids rooms. I don't get the opportunity to hit the snooze button because if I'm not up and moving within 5 minutes of that alarm we are all late. 7:50AM We HAVE to be out of the house by now if we are going to have any breathing room for our schedules. Which really means if we aren't all yelling at each other all the way to the Irish Twins school then we need to be in the car by now. 8:00AM When we typically leave the house. 8:13AM When the Irish Twins usually make it to school and barrel out of the car. 8:15AM When their school starts. 8:30AM Drop the Mischievite and Rem...

I am currently having what some people would call a 'crisis of faith.' Which actually translates into I haven't been to church in 7 months and I'm perfectly happy with that. My faith in God has not changed or lessened in any way. My faith in my church has definitely hit a road block. Now here's the clincher. It's always really bugged me when people stopped going to church because someone offends them. Really? Is that as far as your devotion and faith goes? Yet I have found it so incredibly easy to lay the blame on others for my own inactivity in my religion. I could blame the horrible rumors that I KNOW are out there about me (I've heard them, it's not me just being paranoid). I could blame the teachers at church who I completely disagreed with even before my separation and subsequent divorce. I could blame those few extremely close people who utterly back stabbed me and left me to fend for myself in a most un-friendly, un-christli...

Tomorrow is our countries birthday yet again. Usually during holidays I like to think back onto past ones and reminisce. I'd rather not do that this year. This year will be different than any year ever before in my life. So  I am going to have fun with my kids and my friends. I will enjoy the hot summer weather and endure the wailing of my over heated children. I will possibly barbecue and eat watermelon and watch fireworks and just live. Then it will be back to school on Thursday. I'm almost done with the semester. 6 more credits almost done with. WOOHOO! Did I mention that I made my decision to study feminism official? Yep. Well, as official as I can make it at this school. I declared that I am seeking a Bachelors of Arts in English with an emphasis in gender issues. The nice thing is that because I am so early into the process of school I can hand pick all my elective credits to go with my emphasis. I am excited. :) In other news: The other day Albowin declar...

I am typing this on my brand-new-very-own-bought-it-myself computer. She's silver... so in honor of all the other names I have for my electronic devices (Blanca is my ipod-touch, Roja was my camera that I no longer have) I have decided to name this little lady Platty.... for plateado which means silver in spanish... and is the color of my girl. Today I scrolled through all the blogs I follow for the first time in 6 months. It felt fantastic! Like I finally came home or something. So now I can sit here and write til my fingers go numb and be at one with my words again. I'M SO EXCITED! Oh, and she takes pictures and has a built in webcam (hint-hint Meaghan!): (This is me trying to figure out how to work the webcam) I am a happy single lady today. Buying my own computer was super scary, but I feel empowered by doing so... that's sort of funny I suppose.

I have a half hour before my first mid-term of the semester. I am trying to distract myself... not from the first test but from the second one that I feel woefully unprepared for. I'm extremely nervous. Feeling slightly sick. Cannot wait for the day to be over. I have been having trouble writing lately and I think it is because I have become extremely closed off during the last 6 months (ye, it's really been 6 months!). I keep getting comments from people who say things like "I feel like you are hiding things." or "You seem really distant." Some days I want to say to them, "NO DUH!" My walls have grown so high I'm not sure I can scale them it will take me a lot of time to move past all of this and be able to truly (if ever) open up to people again. That's sort of what happens when everyone you know (not exagerating) leaves you to fend for yourself. You learn to do exactly that... fend for yourself... not expect help and when you don...

I figured it wouldn't hurt to take a class about communicating with men. This served two purposes for me...1) I've decided to go into feminist or gender studies in school (political science emphasis or something) 2) I think my communication with men is somewhat lacking. So we have been talking about gender stereotypes in media. Our teacher showed us a video called 'sexism sells: but we're not buying' from the women's media center (or whatever it's called). I want you guys to all watch it but I'm not sure how to add a video to this post (using my blogging app). So... Someone go find it on YouTube and link it here so we can have an awesome discussion. :) it's pretty shocking. :) Other than that I am doing well. It's weird somedays when I think something like 'it'd be really fun to _____' and then I realize there's absolutely no reason I can't. I'm still getting used to that.

The divorce was finalized on June 1st. This is my official announcement. I probably won't actually call anyone and tell them and I most definitely don't want everyone calling me. And congratulations isn't the best response... just so you know. ;)

Yesterday I got a real good whiff of the gossip going around about me. And I have a few things to say about it... 1. When describing my physical attributes to people who don't know me, but for some reason need to know why you think I'm getting a divorce, accuracy is important. Now I know it's so much less intimidating if I am the 'big girl' but let's be honest here people. I'm not fat and I'm not ugly. I know this is much more threatening to you and somehow makes my crimes harder to digest but if you're going to smear my name all over town at least have the decency to try for accuracy. 2. It seriously takes two people to make or break any relationship. Not just one... And it's not really your business anyway. 3. I lost everyone I know... It's taken me months to build up even the few friends that I have now. When you stop those people and tell them to watch out for me because I'm nothing but trouble you are quite literally under...

Finals are done. I am free from school for 3 whole weeks. I am going to get a book and run away to another world. Any suggestions?

Wow, what a fantastic morning! I set my alarm clock to wake me (us) up to nice refreshing music like Celtic Women and I think it really helped. Add to that the fact that I can smell the blossoms and the grass and that wonderful intoxicating morning air and I might say that it's a very promising morning. Which means if something bad happens I won't see it coming at all. I signed up for a yoga class over the summer. Have I mentioned to you that I've lost so much weight I am about the size I was in high school (just above a 6, just below an 8). All would be fantastic were it not for the pesky baby fat that will not go away. Maybe it's baby skin.... So yoga it is! I'm excited. I've always wanted to yoga, and it's fun to realize that the weight loss and exercise is all for me, none of it is motivated or asked for or hinted at by any one but me. It's very empowering realizing I have absolute control over every aspect of who I am. I'm not sure I'v...

I ought to be writing an essay on Wassily Kandinsky's composition VII, but I'm not. I'm here instead feeling guilty for forsaking you. I have been very bad at keeping up with you guys. Its truly because I think to myself... what am I supposed to say?! Monday--"Today I woke up and wished beyond all reason that I could just lay in bed and cry instead." Tuesday--"Today I woke up and wished beyond all reason that I could just lay in bed and cry instead." Wednesday--"Today I woke up and wished beyond all reason that I could just lay in bed and cry instead." Not very fun for anyone and not healthy for me. So I have to come up with some other things to talk about. I just can't really come up with anything. I have dropped down to between a size 6 and 8. This is a very big deal since I have not been so small since I've been married. It's very exciting. :) Other notable happy things in my life-- I have finished a desk I wa...