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I have a half hour before my first mid-term of the semester. I am trying to distract myself... not from the first test but from the second one that I feel woefully unprepared for.

I'm extremely nervous. Feeling slightly sick. Cannot wait for the day to be over.

I have been having trouble writing lately and I think it is because I have become extremely closed off during the last 6 months (ye, it's really been 6 months!). I keep getting comments from people who say things like "I feel like you are hiding things." or "You seem really distant."

Some days I want to say to them, "NO DUH!" My walls have grown so high I'm not sure I can scale them it will take me a lot of time to move past all of this and be able to truly (if ever) open up to people again. That's sort of what happens when everyone you know (not exagerating) leaves you to fend for yourself. You learn to do exactly that... fend for yourself... not expect help and when you don't expect it, well it's possible you begin to resent people asking.

This is true of me currently. I get annoyed when people want to know what I'm doing... isn't "I'm not going to be around for a few days," enough of an answer?

I don't like bitterness. I want to be open and trusting... it just seems like that natural flow of that trust has been interrupted and the gates have been moved. I now check the guests at 2000 feet instead of  500.

So, the point is, that sometimes I come here and I stair out the window with my hands poised on the keyboard and I think really hard about what I could talk to you guys about and I draw a blank. My gates all close, the guards surround the battlements and I get locked into this place that I'm at and wonder if I created my own prison while trying to build a sanctuary.

I'll have to work on that a little.


Rob-bear said…
Remember, you do not have leprosy. Of the physical or mental kind. You are not a threat to anyone's health.

But your are in pain. A whole lot of pain. And right now, trying to "get by with a little help from your friends" doesn't seem to be working at all. Except with a few virtual friends.

"The rain falls on the good and the bad," said Jesus. Troubles happen the same way. Just remember, you are loved, and loveable. By God and some of the rest of us.

Blessings and Bear hugs in a bad time!
Ashy said…
What are the kidlets up to? I miss reading about the silly things they say or Vicbowen's story or things like that. I'm sorry that things are so difficult but there are always things that are good around you. (I know that's easier said than done but it can't hurt to try!)

Love from the Yockeyites!
Claire Wessel said…
eh. I know the feeling. I've barely blogged at all since you discovered my ex's wife stalking my comments on your blog. I didn't want to have a private blog, but I didn't really want her reading it either, so I ended up just sort of stifled, knowing that she'd probably read anything I bother to write. Anyways, you are one of my very best friends and I miss you. I'm sorry if my nagging for more Charity is a bad thing :( Just know it's done out of love and my own loneliness and missing that connection, not from an assault on the gates :P Take your time, just don't forget I'm here and like you!!!!!
heather said…
While your writing may be more private in content, it is still amazing. Your imagery in this is haunting. I'm so sorry that your world has turned upside down and crumbled from the inside out. I think your response to the situations is 114% normal and expected and I am positive that you will get to the place you'd like to be as far as letting down, or scaling up, those walls. When you're ready. Love to you!
cannwin said…
Thank you all so much. :)

I love you guys. Don't know what I'd do without you.

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