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Superstitious Me

I used to be a bit superstitious. I used to be a bit OCD about it actually. I don't know when it started, sometime during my childhood, but I imagine it might have had something to do with being able to control something in my life.

I was a fanatic about finger crossing. I never walked under a ladder and I was totally paranoid about umbrellas opening indoors (I'll admit this only once... I still have a hard time with the umbrella's).

However, we did have a black cat growing up. He was like my anti-luck charm and he was named, appropriately, Lucky.

Yes, the more I think about it, the more I'm coming to realize I was pretty obsessive back then. I used have to run my hand all the way down the railing from top to bottom. If for some reason I was distracted and took my hand off I would go to the top of the stairs and start over again. To me it was like a paintbrush stopped in mid-stroke. I couldn't stand it.

Perdidle's were the same way. I remember screaming at my mom (I did that a lot, are you suprised) for whatever teenage reason I had to scream and then slamming my hand against the roof and muttering 'Perdiddle' under my breath. That always made my mom laugh, which always made me more angry. But I COULD NOT let one pass by.

I never missed a slug-bug.

I used to spend hours in the summer rummaging through clover fields searching for four leafed ones.

I would  have made a great sailor.

But at some point in life I started realizing that I wasn't actually controlling my surroundings, they were controlling me. I didn't like being bound to the railing like it was covered in super-glue so I would force myself to pick up my hand half way down the stairs.

I didn't like having to hit the ceiling every time I passed a car with one headlight, so I would purposely miss one or two. I think this behavior was what saved me from a life of compulsiveness.

If I am anything I am a woman who craves control. Control over myself, mainly. It's a hard path to follow and I'm starting to learn it's actually not even a path so much as a game trail . . .with predators in the trees around me. It's ridiculous to think that we have more than a finger hold on the outcome of daily life.

There are so many variables to contend with. Spouse, children, siblings, weather, the other people in the world!, ice on the road, clouds in the sky, how old the washing machine is--In fact the only way we could even begin to control our everything would be to lock ourselves away in a dark cave in the middle of a forest... alone. Then at least we could rule out any societal factors.

Superstitions seem like a way to explain and control that which is uncontrollable. When the Bible says 'Trust in the Lord' I think it's not happenstance that the word trust is used.

We have no control beyond that of trusting in someone who does.

Hmm, interesting thought... way off topic but interesting none-the-less.

Okay. I think I've done enough thinking for awhile, I'm going to take a nap now.


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