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Invisible

I find it interesting that when we are children we are so idealistic about life. Even as a teenager trial and tribulation seem to be something other people deal with. And if we find the time to imagine ourselves dealing with such things we are convinced it will play out something like a movie--music included.

Then we age a little. We get married. We have children. And we start to fear trials, but that fear is still embedded within the unrealistic certainty that we can handle it all with graceful Audrey Hepburn-esque dignity.

After Ralexwin and I got married, and I was faced with the possibility of him going to war, I told myself that if he ever died I would never remarry. I would live my life completely devoted to just him and people would stand in awe of my enduring love.

I've since learned that each of us, in our own way, is painfully disabused of such fantasies.

I have had friends who have struggled through a myriad of trials --the death of a child, a messy divorce, cancer, bankruptcy, even jail-time. For myself the greatest struggle I now face is Depression. The big 'D' kind.

I can't even begin to describe how disillusioned I have become to such trials. There is no glamour in feeling invisible. There is no music accompanying my daily struggles. I've realized how unfair we are to ourselves by portraying trials in such a way.

In the book (and movie) Persuasion by Jane Austen one of the characters, Mary, is constantly complaining. She lays in her bed and complains about life and how no one cares about her. At one point, in the  movie version, she says to her sister "I was fine last night, it's just today. Today I feel like death."

Whenever I watch that scene of the movie my heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to feel like death. I know what it's like to be fine one moment and emotionally destitute the next. There are few words to describe the shock of such a fall.

I said to Ralexwin recently, "I feel value-less. The only ones who know of my value and acknowledge it with their eyes, and smiles and kisses, are to young to convince anyone I exist."

So it is that I struggle. I pop my pills everyday and I hope that I will be able to overcome this trial. I do not believe that our burdens are unending. I believe there is a light at the end of each tunnel and no matter how dark and dreary one moment may be there is always something better waiting. It's just that getting there is such a hard road.

I once thought that being an adult would mean white picket fences and colonial style houses (red doors included). Now I flip-flop between wondering when the 'prime' of my life is supposed to hit and  finding happiness in my journey. I keep waiting for the happiness to stick around a little longer, but it seems to slip through my fingers like water, leaving behind the dirt and sediment collected in my hands.

----

What trials do you face? How do you overcome them?

What is your ideal? What do you do to achieve that?

Comments

TerĂ©sa said…
I've been struggling with some of the same. I feel incredibly mediocre. Like the only stamp I'm making on the world is 'she cleaned, and she could cook... a little'.

I think part of it has to do with depression, because I struggle with it to, but I think you're right. We just keep truggen' (is that a word?) and hopefully we can overcome.
Polly Blevins said…
First of all, you are not mediocre. You raised two small babies while your husband was at war. I mean really small babies. That in itself is a feat, not a small one. I remember one of your posts about how heroic it is to be an army wife etc. I completely agreed and you were/are one. You are a good mother, big accomplishment there too. Your kids know their Father in Heaven and Savior, HUGE. You are a great writer and a good person. So you may feel invisible but you are not invisible.

One of the greatest things about being married is that your trials come with a partner. They may not be going through the same thing at that time or not even understand but they are there to hold you through it. I love that. Another great thing is that it comes with a whole other network of people. People who are cheering when you accomplish and are saddened when you struggle. Support groups are great and family is there as a support group.

I'm not just trying to make you feel good about yourself. Sometimes when a person is in the dumps, it is hard to hang on to the good things they have. Sounds Cliche but it is true. Also, they seem to forget to reach out. They climb inside themselves when they should really be reaching out to others. That is what pulls them through.

Also, I have wondered why my blog was so screwy but didn't care enough to figure it out. I would love if you fixed it but if you don't want to spend the time, it is not very important to me. Let me know if you want to and I will send you my password over the winsor.org email. Thanks
Lisa said…
I had my share of trials last year. (God is giving me a break this year.)

I remember a specific moment where the next year was playing out in my mind. I had 2 choices. Accept my life-long trial and be happy. Or let my life-long trial make me miserable and tear apart my life. I choose the first. It took a whole year to figure it out though.

But what really got me through it was powerful inspiration from God. That was the only thing that helped me realize life could be good.

I'm so sorry you struggle with depression. I think that is one of the hardest trials a person can be faced with since it affects every part of you and your life. I really hope that you can get what you need to help you live with it or get through it.
Jessica Bair said…
I have complete empathy for you Charity. I've struggled most of my life with the same problem. It really sucks to feel worthless. Like no one would even notice if you were there or not. When I start to feel that way it usually helps to have Sam administer a priesthood blessing. It has always been such a comfort to have that tool right in our home....and I just keep poppin' the pills too.

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