When a soldier leaves for a war zone, one of the first things they are required to do is put their will in order. Even when Ralexwin isn't running off to shoot at enemy combatants he is still expected to review his will (and other such things) perhaps once a year.
At 20 years old, I swore to myself that I would never remarry. I said, "I love him like I've never loved anyone. I'll never, ever, ever want to marry again if he dies."
It's all very poetic and romantic, but then he actually went to war.
Nothing in this world will change your point of view quite as quickly as staring down the barrel of that very gun you've been talking about. At 23 years old... I saw before me a lifetime of loneliness. 60 years of romantic widowhood just didn't sound as appealing to me as it had a few years before.
And let me tell you, during Ralexwin's tour of Iraq, I faced it on a daily basis. I jumped when someone knocked on the door unexpectedly, I sat horror struck in front of the TV when there was a fresh attack on soldiers in Iraq. Have I ever told you that my husband was in Fallujah just after the Coalition retook it? I have lived and breathed the distinct possibility that my husband would die.
I still do.
Even if he is in a nice safe military base here in the US. I still imagine someone going berserk and shooting all my husbands soldiers. I imagine one of the Humvee's flipping over and pinning him underneath it. I even imagine him just having some plain old accident. I imagine it all because my mind has been trained to expect the worst.
Yesterday morning I couldn't get it out of my head... which to any soldiers wife, is not that uncommon... I lay there in the early hours before sunrise, and envisioned my life without him.
My husband has a life insurance policy--it's worth a lot of money. I have every penny planned out, just in case.
I know, logically, how my life will play out without my husband and every time he is gone to be a soldier a part of me just waits for those two uniformed men to show up on my doorstep and ask me, "Are you the wife of Ralexwin?"
And that's where logic fails me, I think that if that day comes (a part of me says when) I might very well try to rip one of their faces off.
But if you really want to know what it's like for someone like me, you have to see the movie "Grace is Gone" with John Cusack.
If you are the spouse of a soldier, it's probably not something you'll want to watch. I sobbed my eyes out.