Mid-Terms
I have a half hour before my first mid-term of the semester. I am trying to distract myself... not from the first test but from the second one that I feel woefully unprepared for.
I'm extremely nervous. Feeling slightly sick. Cannot wait for the day to be over.
I have been having trouble writing lately and I think it is because I have become extremely closed off during the last 6 months (ye, it's really been 6 months!). I keep getting comments from people who say things like "I feel like you are hiding things." or "You seem really distant."
Some days I want to say to them, "NO DUH!" My walls have grown so high I'm not sure I can scale them it will take me a lot of time to move past all of this and be able to truly (if ever) open up to people again. That's sort of what happens when everyone you know (not exagerating) leaves you to fend for yourself. You learn to do exactly that... fend for yourself... not expect help and when you don't expect it, well it's possible you begin to resent people asking.
This is true of me currently. I get annoyed when people want to know what I'm doing... isn't "I'm not going to be around for a few days," enough of an answer?
I don't like bitterness. I want to be open and trusting... it just seems like that natural flow of that trust has been interrupted and the gates have been moved. I now check the guests at 2000 feet instead of 500.
So, the point is, that sometimes I come here and I stair out the window with my hands poised on the keyboard and I think really hard about what I could talk to you guys about and I draw a blank. My gates all close, the guards surround the battlements and I get locked into this place that I'm at and wonder if I created my own prison while trying to build a sanctuary.
I'll have to work on that a little.
I'm extremely nervous. Feeling slightly sick. Cannot wait for the day to be over.
I have been having trouble writing lately and I think it is because I have become extremely closed off during the last 6 months (ye, it's really been 6 months!). I keep getting comments from people who say things like "I feel like you are hiding things." or "You seem really distant."
Some days I want to say to them, "NO DUH!" My walls have grown so high I'm not sure I can scale them it will take me a lot of time to move past all of this and be able to truly (if ever) open up to people again. That's sort of what happens when everyone you know (not exagerating) leaves you to fend for yourself. You learn to do exactly that... fend for yourself... not expect help and when you don't expect it, well it's possible you begin to resent people asking.
This is true of me currently. I get annoyed when people want to know what I'm doing... isn't "I'm not going to be around for a few days," enough of an answer?
I don't like bitterness. I want to be open and trusting... it just seems like that natural flow of that trust has been interrupted and the gates have been moved. I now check the guests at 2000 feet instead of 500.
So, the point is, that sometimes I come here and I stair out the window with my hands poised on the keyboard and I think really hard about what I could talk to you guys about and I draw a blank. My gates all close, the guards surround the battlements and I get locked into this place that I'm at and wonder if I created my own prison while trying to build a sanctuary.
I'll have to work on that a little.
Comments
But your are in pain. A whole lot of pain. And right now, trying to "get by with a little help from your friends" doesn't seem to be working at all. Except with a few virtual friends.
"The rain falls on the good and the bad," said Jesus. Troubles happen the same way. Just remember, you are loved, and loveable. By God and some of the rest of us.
Blessings and Bear hugs in a bad time!
Love from the Yockeyites!
I love you guys. Don't know what I'd do without you.