Man in restaurant: 'I didn't know how to count to ten until I was in first grade.'
Old, toothless neighbor: 'I've been to jail 119 times!'
Love you too.
Christmas Eve with family: 'Oh, thankyou dear... I wasn't supposed to get you anything was I?'
Cold feet to close friend: 'Were you nervous when you got married?'
'Well sure, everyone is a little.'
'So nervous that every time you thought about it you felt you might throw up?'
Two birds with one stone- also known as insult everyone at once.
Sisters discussing Medicaid: 'People on govt help shouldn't be allowed to have babies.'
'You do realize I've had three children while on govt insurance, right?'
'Well that's different.'
Man (who shall remain unidentified): 'It's weird how one sister got all the looks and the other all the brains.'
Can you repeat that?
Woman to brother: 'What do you mean Dad's remarried!?'
Neighbor to neighbor: 'When you said your dog was dead I thought you'd said she'd gone to bed.'