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Do you really want to brag about that?

Man in restaurant: 'I didn't know how to count to ten until I was in first grade.'

Old, toothless neighbor: 'I've been to jail 119 times!'

Love you too.

Christmas Eve with family: 'Oh, thankyou dear... I wasn't supposed to get you anything was I?'

Cold feet to close friend: 'Were you nervous when you got married?'

'Well sure, everyone is a little.'

'So nervous that every time you thought about it you felt you might throw up?'

Two birds with one stone- also known as insult everyone at once.

Sisters discussing Medicaid: 'People on govt help shouldn't be allowed to have babies.'

*awkward silence*

'You do realize I've had three children while on govt insurance, right?'

'Well that's different.'

Man (who shall remain unidentified): 'It's weird how one sister got all the looks and the other all the brains.'

Can you repeat that?

Woman to brother: 'What do you mean Dad's remarried!?'

Neighbor to neighbor: 'When you said your dog was dead I thought you'd said she'd gone to bed.'


Ivy said…
ha ha so funny. love the guys in the resturaunt.
Lisa said…
That's awesome! Cracked me up.

Whoa, your having a baby in 34 days!

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