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Today as the kids were getting ready Vicbowin asked one of her classic questions:

"Mom, would you rather be stabbed in the stomach or in the brain?"

--silence ensues--

"I don't know!"

"Come on Mom."

"Fine, umm... the stomach."


"Because if you're stabbed in the brain you're most likely to die or have some serious and lasting brain damage."

That satisfied Vicbowin just fine, but then Albowin popped in and his response broke my heart.

"I think I'd rather be stabbed in the brain." He said, matter of factly.

Wondering if he understood what brain damage meant, I asked "Why?"

"Because then I'd die and I want to die cause I don't like being alive."

It wasn't even as if he was trying to get attention. It was the simple truth and I nearly cried.

My baby boy is only 7 years old!

Some days he worries me so much that I think I'll be physically ill. Some nights I lay awake and wonder what I can possibly do to make things easier for him.

I feel like his only warrior in a world of people who only half care, or don't understand.

What part of the brain has to be malfunctioning for a 7 year old to spout suicidal thoughts?

I understand that he doesn't grasp the concept of death, but that doesn't excuse the words.

'I don't like being alive.'

I can't stand it. I want to scream at the powers that be and demand an answer or help or even just for another warrior to fight for him when I'm tired and emotional.

I worry so much about that little person that I've held and kissed and loved for so many long and wonderful years and I wonder what will happen to him if I can't find the help he needs soon.


Nita said…
Charity, this post breaks my heart. I love your little guy, and I'll work harder to let him see that. He's a very special kid.
Polly Blevins said…
That is really a sad story. You know, Justice use to say things similar to that sometimes. He is loving life now. Hopefully he will get his life high. We all love your little man.
Lisa said…
Wow. Poor kid. And even worse - poor mom. I know I don't know much about your little guy or what you have been through with him, but if this is out of the blue, I would probably consider therapy for him. My nephew had a lot of the same thought lines after his parents divorced (he was 5). He visited with a VERY talented woman who was able to pinpoint what was bothering him so much and help his mother know what to do and say to help him through it. Now he is a happy, well-adjusted boy (most of the time). Good luck with everything and I hope you find some answers soon!
Myya said…
This breaks my heart!! How sad for child to feel that way. His days should be filled with fun & joy & play & LIFE. I so hope that you are able to find the help that you need for him.
Charlotte said…
My six year old says things like this, too, and it always breaks my heart.

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