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What Is Your Greatest Regret?


When I was a child (a teen really) I told everyone that I didn't have regrets. That life was a journey and every choice we make leads us in the direction that takes us to where we currently are.... if we were to regret, we would be saying that we do not appreciate where we are in life.

While I still logically believe in this, I have grown and the choices I have made have had far more greater consequences than those of my youth.

Ironically, however, the choices of my youth (and experiences) weren't anything easy... so the choices of my adult years sometimes seem fairly overwhelming.

So what, as a 31 year old, is my greatest regret? Well, I have two great regrets really. One is so personal that I'm not sure I've ever shared it with anyone... so obviously, I won't be sharing it with you either--not today at least.

My other one, however, is a little easier to talk about.

I regret not taking joy in every moment. In my life I have learned, very thoroughly, how to live in constant preparation for the worst. I was taught at a young age how to do this by my mother and my father, but on my own I have learned the great and destructive art of wall building.

If I see something as a potential threat to my perceived (yet absent) happiness I will instinctively wall myself off from it. Protect my heart, if you will, by tossing up emotional blocks.

I used to pride myself on this, as a child, but have since discovered exactly how destructive that is to who I am.

This habit is how people become old, angry, broken people and I have spent the better part of 3 decades perfecting it.

I regret this immensely and wish dearly that the cost of tearing down those walls wasn't so high--and in the same instant, realize how imperative it is that I do so.

What is yours?



Comments

mandi said…
I have this problem as well. Not my biggest regret, I'm not sure what that would be. Mostly I look at things and dumb things I did and not so much as regrets. I've done a lot of dumb things. And some really really stupid ones too. But as far as the wall goes, I'm convinced that it's that very same wall that blocks the happiness. We think we're being selective about which feelings we block, but really, we're shutting out all of them. Complete emotional desensitization.
Cannwin said…
I agree absolutely, but I'm just starting to realize this. Problematic, but I'm working on it. :)

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What do you think?

Mutterings of a Middle-Aged Dreamer

Use your words, my dear sweet soul, they are inside of you... So find them. Write, you silly girl, write so hard the world will never forget you.
But does it matter if the world remembers you? 
Age begins to press its hands upon your chest and the need to be remembered seems to increase with the pressure. 
Stop.
That's not a line of thought you're interested in pursuing. 
Live in the now.
Does it matter if the world remembers you if your neighbor is going hungry? 
Perhaps age is merely pushing you out the door. 
Go. Live in the now.