The Great and Random Ramblings of Cannwin

Chat between Ralexwin and me, 2010: ralexwin : Cannwin, Look on ebay there is two kirby 's there for only like $350 dollars. What do you think? Bidding ends in like two hours. me : I am not buying a kirby in two hours that is way to spontaneous ralexwin : With shampoo-er and everything else. Well it might get bidded up the closer it come s to selling but I am serious. I was pretty impressed with my Mom's Kirby why not. me : because we need to think it through that's why! and how big and unmanageable are they? ralexwin : if you want performance you aren't going to get it with a fisher price version. me : are you being sarcastic? fisher price is a kids toy brand, honey ralexwin : I know but they are cheap! unlike Tonka that lasts forever me : sarcasm is forbidden Ralexwin. if you think it's worth it, but I'm sure spontaneity will breed regret. ralexwin : That has the sound of sagely advice but I don't think it is spontaneity. We have talked about [get...

My journal June 10, 2007: "Ralexwin's dad died last night, sometime around midnight. ... Naturally I am sad, but it's still sinking in. When I woke this morning to the sounds of the Mischievite's cries I smiled and laughed and loved him and fed him. Then I remembered [all that had happened last night] and the sadness hit, washing away my happiness. ... We've never dealt with something like this before and I don't know how Ralexwin will handle it, nor do I entirely know how to care for him in grief. I do know Ralexwin needs me to be strong, efficient and in control right now. That always seems to be the role I get [but I don't mind]." Sometimes marriage is a strange, surreal sort of existence. You spend the first half of your life dreaming about being married and having children and the second half trying to come to accept that you aren't dreaming anymore. Experiences that you only prepared for in passing soon become distant memories recorded...

My journal February 20, 2005: "Ralexwin should be home on the 26th. I am starting to get excited, but I don't think it will really hit me until her leaves Kuwait, which will be tomorrow night (my time). Vicbowin is so excited about him coming home, she keeps telling everyone. 'My daddy's coming home from war and I'm gonna marry him.'" While Ralexwin was in Iraq my neighbor gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. When I first met this little creation of God I was enamored. His chubby little cheeks and angelic blond hair seemed to flick a switch inside my body and I suddenly became aware of an overwhelming, inescapable urge to get pregnant. As you can guess, I was incapable of putting myself into such a state and had to satisfy the burning desire with tending the sweet little boy as often as I could. By the time Ralexwin returned I was being incinerated by my bodies desire to multiply and replenish the Earth. Except there was this one slight hiccup...

Letter from Ralexwin to me mid-summer 2004: "I've been talking to some guys who are just getting back from leave and it sounds like the Army will fly me anywhere I want to go. [How about Alaska?]. There is nothing appealing in going to St. George for leave, it's hot, desert and nobody will be there. Hmmm, kind of sounds like--let me think-- I know it sounds familiar... something like IRAQ!!! And then there is Phoenix, what is there appealing about Phoenix? Let me think--hot, dry, desert... I'm starting to see a pattern here. Alaska sounds so majestic and paradisaical that I can almost taste the crisp clean cool air just thinking about it." By July of 2004 Ralexwin and I had been apart for a year. This is somewhat confusing to explain because of all the military lingo involved. To help get a better picture, the time line was something like this: August of 2003 Ralexwin leaves for Missouri for some military training he was in need of. November 2003 Ralex...

Entry of mine in 'Our' Journal-- June 18, 2002: "Idaho, where I am now, is green and there are clouds... two things Phoenix hasn't seen the likes of in quite a while. I am here for a bit to try to quench the loneliness of having Ralexwin gone. But not for too long since I am pregnant and will need to return to see my doctor. I am a little bored, but Vicbowin is managing to keep herself occupied at my mother's house. I want to write to Ralexwin... if I keep writing then he'll know all about the cute things Vicbowin is doing or what I'm doing. He'd get to smell the fresh air and see the dark storm clouds moving in and he could sleep next to me. It's not so hard though, I am not dwelling on his absence and seem to be handling it well." Our love story has always been, and probably always will be, filled with absences. Some are long stretches spanning over weeks and months (and sometimes years) others are only a day or two, but either way Ral...

 Entry of mine in 'Our' Journal--November 4, 2000: "Last night I was trying to go to sleep and I thought about our money. I thought of how I didn't think we were doing very well compared to when i was in St. George. Then I realized my money stress isn't so bad because we both have jobs and incomes and we are doing fine! What's the worst thing that can happen? I have all I need. I have you and no matter if we are dirt poor or not I have you and that is the most important thing to me." The phone rang at 4 AM and Ralexwin reached over to pick it up. I listened quietly to the single syllable conversation going on beside me. "Okay, thanks." He said as he put the phone down and headed for the closet. I rolled over and dozed until Ralexwin kissed me goodbye for the day. After the front door shut behind him I allowed myself the luxury of REM. The phone yanked me out of oblivion an hour or so later. "Hello?" I mumbled, thinking it ...

 Letter from Ralexwin to Me--September 2000:  "I love you. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I want you to be happy.  I think that I hurt when I feel your hurt and sometimes I feel like I have to do something to make up for it. I can teach you to dance but you have to hear the music." The night before my wedding was, for lack of a better word, surreal. My sisters, my mom and myself all shared a hotel room together and talked about silly things. I was informed that in order to have my hair stay in place the next day I should not wash it that night. This notion completely disgusted me and I reeled at the idea of having Ralexwin stroking my greasy hair, but I relented. That night, as I took a nice, hot bath, I shaved my legs and avoided washing my hair. Then I went and climbed into my bed feeling nearly the same as I felt the night before I had left for my first overseas trip. All the waiting was over and I drifted off to sleep. I was pretty c...

Song I transcribed into a letter to Ralexwin Summer of 2000: I want you to need me Like the air you breathe I want you to feel me In everything I want you to see me In your every dream The way that I taste you feel you breathe you need you I want you to need me Like I need you More than you could know And I need you To never never let me go And I need to be deep inside your heart I just want to be everywhere you are.... (Celine Dion: I Want You To Need Me) Our wedding day was set for one month after our fateful conversation. Looking back on it I think that if it were my daughter I would probably behave in the same manner my family did. They were shocked, confused, and tried more than once to get me to slow the whole thing down. I was determined. I was afraid that if I changed the date Ralexwin would back out. Why would I think such a thing? Well, there was this one time... a few months before... that Ralexwin and I had discussed eloping. We joked a lot about it, ac...

Letter from Ralexwin to me--August 2000: "My dear damsel of constant distress. I hope this epistle might find you in a bright mood of sunshine and flowers. Our love is as the turbulent sea in a mighty wind with crests of love and happiness that take us meters above the surface of mediocrity to the troughs of bitterness, and loneliness and sometimes almost hate. . . I have [only ever wanted to be a man] strong in testimony and faith of the simple truths of the gospel of Christ. And by me I see a woman equally alive. Physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight. Whose eyes burn with an inner strength of conviction and courage. A woman rugged, who can withstand the trials of the pioneers but refined enough to dine with queens. . . Let's try again. I think you are sick of trying but I can't give up the right. Please don't be mad at me." Ralexwin and I began seeing each other around October 1999. It was all very hush-hush and Ralexwin made a good displ...

Journal Entry February 1, 2000: --- I'm in love. It's not like anything I've ever known. I want to marry him. I want to be with him for all eternity. I would follow him anywhere and that's that. I love him and I want no one else... My roommates are placing bets on how long it is until we get married. --- The Meeting: When it came time to decide which college I should go to I had my heart set on a small town Junior College called Snow . However, my brother and sister-in-law nagged me about making such an 'uninformed' decision and convinced me to go to a College Fair with a friend of mine .  I condescended to go but made a bee-line for the Snow College table barely glancing at any of the others. Set up next to the table of choice was another, brighter, table for a school I had never heard of. The guy was friendly and explained that Dixie College (as it was called then) was located at the very South-West tip of Utah. To say that my feelings in that ...